I wasn’t feeling well this morning. While on my regular patrol of my kingdom, I felt a hitch in my throat. My servants were dallying before leaving for work and took no notice that I was feeling woozy. As my throat closed in against a small log of hair, I slunk into their bedroom. I heaved as silently as possible before expelling a voluminous hairball on my female servant’s bedside. Then I laid under their bed to recover. 

The she-servant came into the room. I opened my right eye and immediately wished I hadn’t. She was wearing socks but no shoes. She has the worst taste in socks; I wish there was Sock School for servants. Her socks were thick, orange and fuzzy, but not an attractive fuzz like my hair. When I saw her socks, I wished I had not vomited already. I could have saved it for something more worthwhile – like her heinous footwear.

But all things work out in the end. Ever self-involved, she was attentive only to her search for a hairbrush when she stepped directly onto the hairball. (Ironic, I know.) I heard the hairball squirt and squish. Had she not been wearing socks, the yellow liquid cushioning my creation would have spurted to the side. My servant was not so fortunate. The liquid went straight into her absorbent sock, and the hairball adhered to the arch of her foot. I closed my right eye again. I had seen enough.

It was more perfect than any birthday present she could ever give me.