4:15 p.m. Friday, August 29, 2008
I want a canoe. Imagine me perched on the bow of the canoe, head high, hair flowing, and my orange life vest glowing in the sun. Being very familiar with my handsome looks, I don’t have to imagine this. Give me the canoe and the life vest and your imagination will be a reality.

Of course I can swim. I do not need a life vest. I don’t even need a canoe, except to make my life vest relevant. The real desire here is for the life vest itself. I want it badly, because it is a bold, undeniable testament to the fact that my life is valuable and should be saved at any cost. Yes, any cost. Including you and your “life.”

I would wear my life vest at all times, so all who see me respect my worth. If doubters question my life vest, I will tell them my canoe is just in the next room, and to shut up, and while they are at it, to go get me some catnip. Then I will ban them from my kingdom. They are dirty, anyway.