9:05 a.m. Tuesday, September 22

It’s terrible: The she-servant has been brushing my hair almost daily. I hate this on multiple levels.

First, she is wrecking it. I carefully style my hair so it will stick out in clumps that I find pleasing. When she brushes my hair, it looks smooth and very “pretty”. I am so glad you cannot see me as I type this, because I look like a freak.

Second, she removes the excess hairs I would normally ingest. I need these hairs to make hairballs; they serve me well. I am currently experiencing an extreme shortage on ingestible hair and am unable to form hairballs using my own hair. SO embarrassing.

When she brushes me, I use the snake strategy to escape. I drop my belly to the floor, stretch out, sink my front claws into the carpet and pull myself forward. I have to repeat this four times before the she-servant gives up, but it’s not soon enough. She leaves with a brush full of my hair, and I leave in humiliation.

The she-servant gives me delicious treats after she brushes me. I eat them in the hope that they’ll make me vomit. It never works.

10:30 a.m. Tuesday, September 22

As a pick-me-up, I’m allowing myself to ingest What Cat?’s hair wherever I find it. Since her hair is filthy black, it is easy to spot on the carpet. I have eaten 12 pieces already. This is not as effective as eating 12 of my own hairs, since she does not have the fortune of being as long-haired as I am.

Of course there is no real need to mention her shortcomings; I am superior to What Cat? in all things. It would be a waste of space and breath to list “all things”, but I’m sure you know it would include: beauty, intelligence, scheming, claw sharpness, speed, leaping ability, hairball formation, litter kicking, shoe peeing, napping, sunning, carpet shredding, and manipulation.

You’ve got to admit that you’re impressed.