5:30 p.m. Friday, May 1

Servants have just returned home from grocery shopping. Not a moment too soon – there were only a few crumbs of food left on my plate and I was probably about to get hungry. The servants expect me to eat the many pieces of food that fall off my plate, which shows how poorly they were raised. Of course I will not eat off the floor.

Just got a whiff of the new bag of cat food purchased by the servants. Yessss. It is my favorite. I’m thankful the servants are not making cutbacks due to the recession by buying me generic food. I am NOT a generic cat.

6:15 p.m. Friday, May 1

You’re probably wondering when I’m going to tell you about the new cat the servants placed in my kingdom. What do you mean? What cat? I do not acknowledge the presence of another cat, no matter how many times I’ve seen her.

I stalk this cat (what cat?) all day. She is jet black, scrawny, and smells like an animal shelter. Ugh… makes me shudder.

I could kill her (kill who?) so easily. I call her “What Cat?” The servants call her “Queen Ester” – which makes my blood boil. There is NO queen in this kingdom. There is only me, His Royal Highness Howie.

But what am I talking about. This cat does not exist.

I hate her.

6:40 p.m. Friday, May 1

Just heard What Cat? meow… it caused me to convulse and purge a hairball.

6:41 p.m. Friday, May 1

She-servant is cleaning up my hairball. It’s a pretty good one, with lots of excess fluid around it. Bet she regrets getting What Cat? now.

7:10 p.m. Friday, May 1

I am in What Cat?’s room. I raced at her, looking as much like a mountain lion as I ever could. She was terrified and is now hiding under the futon. I am laying on the futon. What Cat? I see no cat.

8:40 p.m. Friday, May 1

After a good snooze on the futon, I ate some of What Cat?’s food and peed in her litter box.

Now that I think about it, this isn’t such a bad set-up. There’s an extra of everything – extra food dish, water bowl, and litter box. Why haven’t the servants pampered me like this already?

I will one-up them. I’ll request food, water and a litter box in each room. Retroactively! Put it there yesterday – or last year! And keep it fresh!

Of course, there may also be an extra cat in my kingdom…

What cat?