7 p.m. Sunday, June 1, 2008

Ahh, the end of another weekend. The servants are preparing to head back to work and get out of my hair. Peace and quiet is just around the corner. I will not miss them. To compensate for their rampant overeating, they are on diets and are perpetually miserable. They mourn the loss of French fries as if the fries were family members. Hey – try eating dry food every day. THAT’S rough.

When they leave, I’ll be able to complete the charitable project I’ve been working on. I’ve been collecting letters from fans for nearly a year now. (That means you, faithful readers.) Correctly assuming that I am all-knowing, you sent questions, compliments, or requests for help. Replying has been difficult due to my taxing schedule of eating and napping, but there is no one better to answer your questions. Here’s what I’ve addressed thus far:

Dear Howie:
What is your favorite way to hack up a hairball?
Sincerely, Curious

Dear Curious,
Good question. I find the most comfortable spot in my kingdom and crouch there. I howl mournfully to attract attention. Then I summon my stomach to come up through my throat by retching. A few dry heaves normally produce one of my finest works of art – my own hair, molded into what looks deceptively like a Tootsie Roll. Beautiful.
-Howie

Dear Howie:
Do you ever eat so much so fast that you puke up entire unchewed pieces of food? Why does this keep happening to me?
Sincerely, Am I Sick?

Dear Sick,
Are you sick? You’re disgusting! You sound like one of my revolting servants, you fat lard! Take small bites, and chew, chew, chew!
-Howie

Dear Howie:
What is your favorite thing about yourself? I think your eyes are lovely.
Sincerely, An Admirer

Dear Admirer,
Have you seen the hair between my toes? Gorgeous! My delicate feet have long tufts of hair between each toe to perfectly conceal my razor-sharp claws. It’s hard to pick just one thing about myself to love best, of course, but my toe hair is exceptional.
- Howie

Dear Howie:
You look familiar to me. Is there a chance you are my brother? My understanding is that no one has been told who your father was.
Sincerely, Maybe Your Brother

Dear Maybe,
That’s bull. #*@( the #*($& @$$ to *$%?& #+^%@!!!!!
- Howie

Dear Howie:
How do you keep dominance over your household? Do you keep weapons on hand? And what would you do if someone sprayed you with a water gun? Would you get off the table?
Sincerely, Weakling

Dear Weakling,
My weapons are inherited and I have psychotic tendencies. Very dangerous duo. Undoubtedly you are not as clever as me, but you can at least be brave. If someone sprayed me with a water gun, I’d get off the table. But vengeance is mine. For every drop of water on my fur, I urinate in a new location – in the fridge, on the bathmat, under the sheets, or in a shoe.
-Howie

Dear Howie:
I saw a segment on the news about a new world record for the most beautiful cat. I couldn’t help but notice it wasn’t you. You weren’t even the runner up. How do you survive such a shocking oversight? Clearly you are the MOST beautiful.
Sincerely, Seeking Justice

Dear Justice,
You noticed that too, hey? Thanks. I’ve notified the Cat Intelligence Agency of the fraud. Since then I’ve noticed strange sounds at night and have requested protection from the Secret Service. I may have to go into the witness protection program until it gets sorted out, but nothing this wrong can remain uncorrected.
-Howie

Dear Howie:
Have you always been so handsome?
Sincerely, Your Fan

Dear Fan,
Yes.
-Howie