My, my. Look who’s finally caught up with me.

The world, apparently.

New “going green” initiatives (it’s a little late, if you ask me) are blooming everywhere you look. Now that half the Arctic has melted into the sea, people seem more willing to listen to wise guys like me. Here’s what I’ve been doing, folks:

First, I recycle. As I shed my winter coat, the lost hair doesn’t get wasted. I eat it. Then, that same hair is fashioned into a log in my throat and I vomit it onto the carpet. That’s two uses for the same hair: first, for my winter coat, and second, for stylish carpet ornaments.

Second, I am completely organic. I eat all-natural foods raised with no eco-damaging chemicals or pesticides. Once my elite body has processed all the finest nutrients, I deposit very organic matter into my litter box. I call it “leftovers.” As a bonus, my all-natural leftovers are filled with a powerful aroma. As the beautiful scent carries throughout my kingdom, the servants become increasingly vocal about the excellent work I’ve done.

Third, I store up solar energy. When the sun is shining, I find the brightest location and nap there. As the sun moves, so do I. I sprawl to absorb the maximum amount of energy. This energy takes me through my exhaustive daily duties: eating, expelling leftovers, and slicing the he-servant.

Fourth, I walk everywhere. Or sometimes I get carried, but even then, the servant carrying me is walking. No fuel is ever burned, except the excess fat fuels stored by the servants. And I think you’ll agree that’s not a precious fuel.

Fifth, I educate the servants. I frequently check their trash bins for recyclables. When I find bloody paper that was originally wrapped around ground beef, I pull it out of the trash. Same with the plastic containers that once held fresh chicken. After checking these materials for raw morsels, I leave them as a display for the servants. Paper and plastic are recyclable, you idiots.

Now, look how easy that is. A handful of simple steps can turn your kingdom into a green scene. Trust me, I’ve been doing it all my life. It’s about time you started.