Howie the Cat

She’s laying on the servants’ bed. ON IT. In all her 9 months here, she has never willingly laid on the servants’ bed. (What? Don’t look at me. She’s the one who freaked out each time I chased her from that room. And it’s not my fault that she once got stuck under the bed while I lay in wait to attack her.)

Clearly, she has no business being on the bed. She’s laying on the he-servant’s side, which shows how low her standards are. His side of the bed is repulsively dirty – he bathes only once a day! And she is laying on THAT.

Despite the filthiness of the he-servant’s side of the bed, I own that bed. I own that whole room. It was the last part of my kingdom I was able to keep to myself after she moved in. She’s wrecking that, and it’s breaking my heart. I feel a tear coming on. Wait, that’s just one of my hairs tickling my eye. Interesting.

In three minutes I will launch onto the bed and pretend I didn’t notice her there… and I will land on her with all four feet. When she tries to run away, I will push her face down into the he-servant’s dirty pillow. After that, she will never be back on this bed. You have my word. His pillow is unspeakably gross.

By the way, I bathe at least 10 times a day… now being one of those times. Look away, please.

One year ago, I lived in this kingdom by myself.

One year ago, life was perfect. The servants were effective. The food was better. My claws were sharper. I’d never heard of What Cat?

Now I am the only perfect thing left in this kingdom. At least there is that.

Just saw What Cat? go into the servants’ bedroom. I wonder what she’s doing. Tracking her now. Be back in a bit.