6:30 p.m. January 2, 2008

Good news: My litterbox has been upgraded. Instead of the rank and outdated blue box I’d been forced to use for years, I now own a sophisticated beige box with a lid AND a swinging door. When I exit, there’s a silver mat for me to wipe my feet. But I don’t.

7a.m. January 3, 2008Bad news: Upon emerging from my private bathroom, I ambled into the living room and noticed something missing. The piano. It was gone. Tracks on the floor led straight to the door.

Furious, I paced over the newly exposed carpet. It still smelled of glorious old wood. Impressions in the carpet showed how heavy the piano was, and I remembered what a sturdy lookout it used to offer. A moment of silence, please, for the loss of the piano.

7:02 a.m. January 3, 2008

Just noticed five pieces of fresh meat swimming in a tank in the living room. I’ve named them Lunch, Lunch, Lunch, Snack, and Dinner Appetizer.

8 a.m. January 3, 2008

At this time of day, I always sit on the piano and observe my kingdom. Always. In an odd twist of fate, I am writing this from the vacant spot where the piano used to be. My eyes scan the room for an alternative throne. Dining table… rather low. Kitchen counter… rarely clean. Couch…risk being sat upon. 

My shock turned to anger. The piano was removed without my permission. My kingdom is being threatened. I shall have to make a strategic move to regain my power immediately. I will start by eating the fish. If the piano isn’t returned by midnight tonight, I will begin snacking on the she-servant’s wedding dress. It’ll make me sick, but it promises to have a dramatic impact.

Now this is an odd thing: the she-servant has purchased an expensive white dress, worn it once, and is now storing it forever. In my kingdom! I think generations of reckless breeding have damaged the genetics of servants. These days, they are dumb as bricks.

Oh – I just saw a fish jump!