Sunday, December 2, 2007

 I looked down. Water. I looked up. Servants. Both of them. To the left and to the right, there was no help. I was being held over an ocean of disgusting clear water and the smell of a fresh bath filled the air.  My feet sank into the water as I pondered the vile nature of servants. They’re such ungrateful beings. They’re stubborn and stupid. As my tail dipped into the water, it struck me they were most likely jealous of my beauty and were trying to wash it off. What flawed logic. When they wash themselves, are they not as ugly as they were before? This thought echoed in my mind as the water crept up to my shoulders.  Suds came next, and an unappreciated squishing noise. I felt completely betrayed by my hair as I saw it lazily waving in the ocean current. I made note to consume the offensive hair later and leave it – in hairball form – on the she-servant’s pillow.  Then the wailing began. Loud enough to bring the neighbors running, it is a tool I use rarely but am not hesitant to employ. Mournful, haunting wailing is never a reflection on my emotional state. It is always an accusation against the servants and a tactic that brings quick end to whatever misdeed is underway.  In truth, I couldn’t care less about the bath. My disapproval came because I prefer to bathe when the time is right for me – like never. Or just before my wedding. Which will never happen. Marriages are for the weak.  In the midst of an impressive howl, I felt my body being lifted. The servants laughed at how skinny I looked. I laughed at how fat they looked. They wrapped me in a towel that smelled of human. Shuddering, I shook the towel off and flung the excess water toward their faces.  I left the bathroom and am now laying my soggy body on a warm electronic appliance near the television. From here I can see most of my kingdom. I certainly have no reason to be humble. My greatness is reflected in all my possessions. I’ve just got to get better servants. As soon as I am thoroughly dry, I will begin a search for replacements.   Stupid servants.