The he-servant just took out the vacuum.

I hate the vacuum.

It is such a violent machine, sucking up and murdering all that gets in its way. At the first sight of the vacuum, I arch my back and stick my hairs straight out. This makes me look very intimidating. I shoot a dark glare toward the vacuum, hold eye contact, and then… run.

Though the vacuum follows me, it is much slower than me and is too stupid to travel in a straight line. Forward, backward, forward, backward… By the time it comes within 10 feet of where I hide (on top of the servants’ bed), I’ve been there long enough to fall asleep three times.

But I do not sleep. I wait. Despite its grinding noise and horrific vibration, I observe its every move to identify flaws. As I always say, there is no substitute for victory. Here’s what I’ve got on the evil machine: the vacuum will clog – and maybe break – if large materials (read: socks, batteries, puppies) are sucked inside. I also know that the he-servant will stop vacuuming after sucking up a piece of jewelry, and that the machine makes a burning smell when it is overwhelmed with too many of my hairs.

My attempts to vandalize and constipate the vacuum work about 20 percent of the time. Sound weak to you? Keep in mind that the vacuum’s attempts to eat me have never been successful. Add in the fact that I am a genius and constantly evolving to defeat the vacuum, and you can see I am well ahead. Always will be.